Ah, the festival, the strange and mysterious time when an abundance of sweaty bodies comes together to have collective seizures and share party germs. Often aided by happy vitamins, heavy bass and the sun’s crispy caress – the desire to find the nearest munter and smooch em’ good (amongst other things) strike even the most controlled party goer.

Now, having been someone who’s been privy to – and unfortunately participated in – really fugly festival hook-ups – I’ve learned over the years that it doesn’t have to be unsightly. Drawing on experience from across my festival family and throughout my own sordid, sordid past – I’ve come up with some methods of pick-up that rival those of James Bond et al… if they were totally on the pingwas.

I’ll start by reminding you that there are some people you should generally shy away from, including but not limited to;

• anyone who ‘shredded’ for the event
• security personnel
• people who wear racially insensitive headpieces (douche by style, douche by nature)
• passed out individuals – prolly should take them to an emergency tent yo
• any kind of hallucinated mirage
• people whose significant others are present
• inanimate objects, unless it’s some kind of hot dog – then go crazy.
• anyone really gurny. If they’re chewing on their own face with that much enthusiasm, imagine how much they’ll chew on yours…

[#noooooooooo]

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…to methodology!

1. The “slow burn sensual lurker”

Now, this has never been my method of choice – but it works well for you ‘seeking a relationship that lasts longer than a few angry months’ types. Told to me by someone very wise and who has always pulled the finest ladies, this method involves those slow glances and subtle touches that build real romance. To make it easier for love pariahs, I’ve broken it down. It’s not a race so take the steps slowly.

Find someone who has mutual friends and sift through mutual friends for babe options – suss out babe partner status – if babe is single strike up conversation – follow babe to gig and suggest you move closer to stage – hold babe’s hand so you can navigate through crowd – offer babe water or flask so he/she considers germ sharing – kiss babe at sexy bridge/post chorus/after the drop – celebrate.

Prerequisites – friends with sexy friends, water bottle/flask full of delicious hooch, hands.

2. The “music fan”:

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Ideally if you’re already at a music festival you’re probably already a music fan (although that’s definitely not always the case – sigh). The aim of this method is to hook up with babes who are similarly musically inclined – and can be really handy because your first chat is just spent music-nerding out and you don’t have to pretend to be interested in their friends/profession/tinder profile.

The best way to go about this is to get close to your favourite band (they preferably have vocals or some kind of strong melody that people are likely to ‘nah-nah-nah’ to). Find a babe who is singing (or ‘nah’-ing) along to them and join in. They’ll look over and have an ‘OMG are you into this – I’m so into this moment’ – then you sing and you dance and are turned on by each other and then that song becomes ‘your song’ and you play it the first time you bone in a car. Simple.

Prerequisites – Liking music (not dat hard), remembering lyrics (although you could have one of those – ‘lol I totes forgot the lyrics am I not hilair’ moments but personally I find that a bit obnoxious), an OK or standard singing voice (if you have a crusty durry voicebox like mine it aint always a good idea to let that freak flag fly). 

3. The “groupie”/”the liar”

This one is pretty easy. Find a babe grooving to an act of an opposite sex. Look sultrily sad. If babe happens to make eye contact with you shake your head and say – ‘I slept with him/her once… this is so weird.’ Achieve pity/impressed make out, never forgetting to say ‘he/she will be so jealous’. Mmm, good lying!

Prerequisites – No weird lying facial things. I’m talking about you twitchy eye. 

4. The “jealous type”:

I went to Falls Music Festival this year with a very good looking galpal who landed a bunch of seriously attractive hookups. Tall, blonde and genuinely nice (unlike myself – who after a few days of celebrating becomes a sassy, crusty goblin), she landed some of the best looking guys at the festival – including hot bar guy who served us slushies at the bar on the hill. Every night she would pull that fun loving card and some equally nice bro would join her in a noice n’ tipsy PG(13) bump-n-grind.

Considering safety in numbers and most young Australian’s inability not to be surrounded by some sort of posse, my options quickly presented themselves. Y’see, for every nice good looking individual – there’s a crabby, sarcastic and not as good looking sidekick. If you are in that position – go forth and find your equivalent! They’ll be lonely and unsatisfied, you’ll be lonely and unsatisfied – it’s romance by default and probably the easiest of all the pick up tactics. Hooray for being second best!

Prerequisites – good looking friend, grumpy demeanour, 3-4 day festival. 

And if those all fail… try buying them a drink. Vodka solo on the rocks in a glass with only a little bit of stray tobacco usually works a treat.

Happy germ-swapping!

Follow Izzy Combs on Twitter @Izzy_Combs